Artemis Fowl The Big Brother Establishment
by Jaffa-Cake-Queen
Summary: Artemis Fowl watches TV... and gets a rather strange idea. Will the People go along with it? With half a tonne of gold up for grabs, everyone wants to enter... the Big Brother Establishment!
1. A Plan Is Born

**Disclaimer: **Strangely enough, I do not own anything relating to Artemis Fowl. Are you surprised? Thought not.

**Artemis Fowl – ****The Big Brother Establishment**

**Fowl Manor, Ireland**

Butler had long ago given up trying to understand or predict what went on in the brain of Artemis Fowl. Best to just smile and nod and pretend that the endless flow of tangents made some kind of logical sense. Artemis operated on a completely different wave length to everybody else. It was pointless trying to follow him once he got fixated on an idea; at best, you'd get a serious, at worst you'd be reduced to a mumbling idiot with brains dribbling out of your ears.

But today, Artemis's behaviour was even stranger than normal. He was watching television. Apart from the news or the occasional documentary (which usually had him in tears of laughter after five minutes), he never seemed to watch anything. Not like most teenagers, whose T.V. addictions Artemis almost seemed to pity.

"The government spends so much time and money trying to stamp out drug and alcohol addiction, yet it does practically nothing about the thousands of people growing obese whilst glued to poor quality television. How tragic," he would say, sighing and shaking his head.

And yet here he was, sat in a black leather swivel chair, watching the flickering screen intently. Lines of thought criss-crossed his forehead like the roads of busy ants. The focus of Artemis's attention was perhaps the strangest factor in this equation; it was Big Brother.

It took Artemis a few minutes to register his bodyguard's presence, so absorbed was he by the events unfolding on screen. Two young blonde women were fighting (something about moisturiser), much to the amusement of the three men lounging on the sofa. Butler found it strangely compelling. He almost objected when Artemis finally noticed him and hit the mute button. He smiled.

"Enjoying that were we, Butler?"

Quickly regaining control of his mental functions, Butler shook his head.

"No sir. I was just wondering if you required anything."

"No, thank you Butler." As the manservant turned to leave, he decided that he must first voice a question that had been nagging him since he entered the room.

"If I might ask why…?" Artemis chuckled.

"Why am I watching this?" he replied, gesturing at the screen. Butler nodded. The boy leaned back in his chair.

"Very well. As you know, I take great interest in psychology. I simply find it fascinating, the affect living in close quarters with other people has on the mind and hence the behaviour." _Oh no, _thought Butler, _I can smell another of Artemis's schemes. He has that glint in his eyes._

"Going to write a paper on it?" Butler laughed weakly. He already knew that he was wrong. Artemis's smile widened. It was not a nice smile. It was more of an I-have-a-cunning-plan smile.

"Oh no Butler. I cannot possibly come to any final conclusion without first conducting some experiments." Experiments? This did not sound good. A cold bead of sweat trickled slowly down the back of the manservant's neck.

"You don't mean…"

"Yes Butler. I intend to create…" he paused for dramatic effect "…my very own Big Brother!"

Still trying to process this bizarre turn of events, Butler found himself tagging along behind Artemis as he zoomed along the corridor to his study as though propelled by some supernatural force. Butler knew there was nothing supernatural about it – anyone who knew Artemis could tell when he had a new challenge before him. You could almost see the sparks flying from his ears as he began turning on a row of computers.

Within minutes the study was alive with the clicking and whirring of machinery. Artemis never liked to work on just one computer. That took far too long! He dashed between monitors, loading Internet search engines and data files, his face a frenzied mask of concentration. Butler had only seen him like this once before, during their first supernatural venture to kidnap a fairy… despite his initial forebodings, he felt a twinge of excitement in his stomach. Whatever Artemis was planning, it would be spectacular. It always was.

The boy genius was muttering under his breath as he finally sank back into a chair, eyebrows furrowed.

"Everything alright Artemis?" Not that Butler thought he could really help, but he felt that he had to ask. There was a moment's silence. Then Artemis replied, a smug grin sliding across his features.

"Yes. Perfect, in fact. I just need to make a few phone calls."

**The Lower Elements, Haven City**

It was a quiet afternoon in the J. Argon Clinic. The patients were being settled down for a nap, or whatever else it was that kept the crazy fairies quiet for a couple of hours, so for once not even their shrieking and wailing could be heard. Doctor Argon himself was taking advantage of the peace and quiet to watch a re-run of a talk-show he had been on. With a sigh, he leant back in his chair, a coffee in one hand and the plasma screen remote in the other. He was just describing one of his greatest successes, his crucial role in Fowl Manor Siege...

The phone on his desk rang. Argon groaned. What was it now? That stupid recycler had probably broken again. He switched off the screen and picked up.

"Hello, this is Doctor J. Argon speaking."

"Greetings, Doctor Argon. This is Artemis Fowl."

With a surprised yelp the psychologist fell off his chair, knocking a pile of papers from the desk and landing on a pot plant. He heard something snap.

"Are you alright doctor?" asked the Irish boy, a trace of amusement lining his words.

"Erm, yes, of course," stammered Argon, clambering back on to his seat. "What can i do for you?" He was wary now. Although there was nothing _illegal _about this conversation (yet), the LEP would certainly be interested to know that he was talking to public enemy number one.

"I have a proposition for you."

"Oh really?" Now he was really worried. A proposition from Artemis Fowl couldn't be a good thing.

"Let me explain..."

A few minutes later, the boy genius finished his explanation. Argon's smile had returned. Then again, maybe it could.

**Author's Note: **I borrowed this idea from another fan fic, Discworld Big Brother by Watchman. If you have read the Discworld books, READ IT! If you haven't read the Discworld books – WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GO OUT AND READ THEM! If you have (or haven't) enjoyed this, please review! I need the motivation, people.


	2. Problem Solving

THANK YOU REVIWERS! All…….. four……… of them. Your comments are much appreciated!

**Disclaimer: **No, I _still _do not own Artemis Fowl or any related items. Nor do I own Big Brother.

**Problem Solving**

**Police Plaza, Haven City**

A month after Artemis Fowl's mysterious phone call and all was normal at LEP Police Plaza…

"Foaly! What the hell is this?" bellowed Commander Root as he stormed into Ops. Today his face was a purplish-red, almost magenta, his nostrils were flared and his eyeballs were bulging alarmingly. If the centaur had seen his superior's expression, he might have reconsidered the smart comment he was about to make.

"I know I'm a genius Julius but you can't always rely on me to solve all your problems…" It was at this moment that Foaly turned to face Root. He chuckled nervously. "I mean, how can I help you Commander?"

The veins on Root's forehead were contorting like snakes before a snake charmer. Now was definitely _not _the time to be making jokes! Picking up the piece of paper the commander had thrust towards him, Foaly tried not to laugh as the abnormally angry elf fought to control his temper. This impulse was not helped by what he read. It was an advert and certainly not a subtle one.

"It would appear to be an advert for volunteers to live in the, ah, 'Big Brother Establishment'."

"I guessed that pony-boy!" exploded Root. "What exactly is this Big Brother thing and why was it stuck to the door of my office?" Before the centaur could reply two more elves dashed into the room. Both looked excited and both were clutching a copy of the advert.

"Foaly, have you seen this-" Captain Holly Short stopped abruptly when she saw the commander (quivering with anger like an egg in a frying pan) and, more importantly, his facial expression. She desperately tried to back-pedal- only to find herself entangled with Trouble Kelp. The pair collapsed on the tiled floor, their helpless laughter too much for the enraged Root.

"Someone had better tell me what the HELL is going on or I'll have all three of you thrown in Howler's Peak!"

"Wh-what for Commander?" stuttered Holly, though her brain (and ears) instantly regretted it.

"For being BLOODY ANNOYING, Captain Short!" Things might have deteriorated further had Foaly not provided a distraction.

"You were asking about Big Brother, sir?" said Foaly, using a tone normally reserved for the terminally insane. The commander got a grip on his rage.

"Yes. I was. And if these cretinous captains would shut up, perhaps you could finish explaining?" Instant silence. The centaur cleared his throat.

"Well then. I've done some research and it looks as if Doctor Argon is the fairy behind this." Frowning, Root pulled out a cigar.

"Argon? That witch doctor?"

"The very same. But I don't think he's alone. You see, Big Brother is a Mud Man television programme. People are chosen to live in a house that is monitored by cameras which record their every move. The viewers vote them off until there is a winner. It's very popular." Trouble snorted.

"Sounds like a load of-"

"Did you say it was a Mud Man programme?" interrupted Holly.

"Yes. That's why I don't think he's acting alone."

"You mean…" Root didn't need to finish his sentence.

"Who else could it be?" said Holly, her eyes narrowing. "There's only one of the Mud People capable of this: Artemis Fowl." Trouble, who had been reading the advert, suddenly spoke up.

"Hey, guess what the prize is? Only half a tonne of gold!" Root's complexion, which had been returning to its normal ruddy hue, flared up again.

"I'll bet I know where that came from," he growled. "Foaly! Get on to the Council. Tell them I want a meeting ASAP. Short, Kelp, come with me. Whatever this Mud Boy is up to, we need to find out."

**Koboi Laboratories**

Two more fairies were currently poring over the same advert that was causing the LEP so much distress. These were more concerned with their own devious plotting than that of a Mud Boy genius and a fairy psychologist. Reaching out her delicate fingers for another illegal box of chocolate truffles, the pixie Opal Koboi smiled.

"Half a tonne of gold? A substantial amount for sitting in a house for a couple of weeks, don't you think?" she asked the elf beside her. Briar Cudgeon nodded, eyes glinting with greed.

"It is indeed Opal. A fairy could do much with that gold."

"No more than _two _fairies could accomplish, Cudgeon," Opal replied, shooting him a meaningful glare. He sighed.

"Of course. That's what I meant. How would we get it though?" Opal's smug smile widened. Her face shone with anticipation as she held up the advert.

"Are you pondering what I'm pondering?" Cudgeon's mouth twitched, though you couldn't really call it a smile.

"We're actually going to enter this… Big Brother Establishment?"

"Obviously." Opal spun her hover chair to face a computer, shooting her cohort a sly glance. "Doubtless the LEP will send someone. Maybe even Root himself…" Cudgeon cracked his knuckles.

"Where are those admission forms?"

**Fowl Manor**

With a contented sigh, Artemis settled back in his chair. All was ready. He'd persuaded his mother to send him to a non-existent boarding school in Switzerland; this would explain his prolonged absence and, when the experiment was finished, he would simply say he had felt homesick. Actually, his new associate, Doctor Argon, was going to pick him up in a private shuttle at the entrance to a little used chute. From there, they would go to the building Argon was having renovated for the occasion. It was a little way out of Haven, but Artemis had a feeling he would not be welcome there after his previous venture.

Yes, everything was proceeding as it should. He looked up at the ever-present Butler standing by his shoulder. It was time to tell him of _his _part in this…

"Are we ready to advance?" asked the manservant.

"Advance? No need to sound so military," laughed Artemis, "but yes. We are 'good to go', as you soldiers say."

"How do we know the people will go along with this? You did kidnap one of them…" Artemis nodded.

"That is why I approached Doctor Argon about it. We needed someone to handle matters below ground and the People will be more accepting if one of their own is involved." He smiled evilly. "I also offered a rather large prize for the winner; that will capture almost any fairy's interest. From what I know of Commander Root, he will be desperate to reclaim the gold I took and send at least one officer in order to do so. Yes, I think they will go along with it."

"Very good Artemis." Now for the bombshell.

"Of course, I expect you to take part as well Butler." He froze, face twisted in a mask of horror. For the first time, Artemis could see fear his companion's eyes.

"Me?"

"Well, not just you. Your sister Juliet has also volunteered." Perhaps 'volunteered' wasn't the best word for it. Once she had got wind of the plan (_thank you, Butler_) she had hardly stopped harassing Artemis until he let her enter.

"I need some chance of getting the gold back, Butler. I do not intend to hand it straight back to the People just yet." He stood up, straightening his suit jacket. "Now, we'd better start the packing…"

**Council Meeting, Haven City**

For quite possible the first time in a century the Council was buzzing with excitement. Everyone was clutching a copy of the Big Brother advert and talking animatedly with their neighbours. Then LEP Commander Root arrived, slamming the double doors open (he could have waited for them to open automatically, but he wasn't in the mood). He was flanked by Captains Holly Short and Trouble Kelp, who were trying to keep stern faces and, trotting along behind, came Foaly, panting slightly with the effort. At the arrival of Root and his entourage the Council fell silent. Although technically they were his superiors, there was no one in Haven who wasn't scared of an enraged Commander Root. Positioning himself on the lectern in the centre of the room, Root glared at his cowed audience.

"I can see you've all been informed about this Big Brother programme?" Nods all round. "Good! Now, my officers and I suspect that our good friend Artemis Fowl is involved. We all know what that means." An anxious murmur rippled around the room. "I suggest we shut down this operation as soon as possible." A very brave (or possibly very stupid) Council member stood up.

"We can't do that! This could be our chance to reclaim the gold. Gold we lost retrieving _your _officer, I recall!" Only one thing was greater than the Council's fear of Root; their love of gold. Root knew he'd never get them to change their minds. Even Vinyaya couldn't persuade them.

"Is there no other way to get it back?" she asked in desperation. Root grimaced.

"The only legal way I can see is to actually send someone into the Establishment…" he tailed off. "Surely you're not suggesting-"

"I rather think that's the best idea you've had all day," sneered Haven's least popular gnome, Ark Sool. "It was the LEP who lost the gold – they can get it back!"

Having just about restrained their commander from committing Grievous Bodily Harm, Holly and Trouble were leading a furious Root back to Police Plaza, followed by Foaly's braying laughter.

"You should watch your temper Julius, or you're going to explode one of these days. Does nothing for your complexion either-"

"Can you shut up for just one minute Foaly?" snapped Holly, "We need to decide what to do." She glanced at Root. He sighed.

"We'll have to sort this mess out ourselves; I'm sure Fowl has an ulterior motive. Trouble, you need to get three of those admission forms."

"Three sir?" The commander grinned like a piranha in a paddling pool.

"Yes, three. You, Holly and I are going to enter the Big brother Establishment. I doubt the Mud Boy will miss a chance to do some more gloating. Foaly, call Argon and volunteer to work the cameras." The centaur snorted.

"Way ahead of you! He called me last week with an offer. Damn sight more than what the LEP's giving me too!"

**Author's Note:** Gah! Lots of talking in this chapter (seems like that anyway…) Once again, please review! You know you want to…

Big thanks to my lil' sis for reading this for me – without her, it would be much worse than it already is...: )


	3. Please Deposit Your Sanity On Arrival

**Disclaimer: **I'll let you know if I ever come into possession of Artemis Fowl and Big Brother. Until then, I still don't own either of them.

**Thanks reviewers**** – **Troublerocks (he really does!), ilex-ferox, AssortedJellyBeans, the epitome of randomness, less-than-ellie, tomeofenigmas, DanRutland and Firefactory.

**ilex-ferox: **I'm not a fan of Big Brother either! Just thought it would be interesting if Artemis Fowl made one….. insert evil laugh here

**less-than-ellie: **I know what you mean…Have tried to put more descriptiveness into this chapter!

**Firefactory: **I'm not even going to pretend to know what the HELL you were going on about. Knowing you, probably rambling on about yourself… as usual! Note to all other readers – ignore anything said by this person, it is complete nonsense.

**Please Deposit Your Sanity on Arrival**

**The Big Brother Establishment**

Bang! Crash!

Artemis rubbed his hands together with glee as he surveyed the work going on before him. The Establishment was nearly complete; soon, the project would begin in deadly earnest. Gnome builders lumbered around with the new furniture, directed by the pixie they'd hired as interior designer. The toxic scent of paint and plastic had taken up residence like a malicious ghost – the air recyclers would be installed with the cameras. Speaking of which…

"Fowl! You're just in time!" an excited voice exclaimed from the doorway. Argon, face a-glow, beamed up at Artemis. "We've just taken delivery of the cameras; the best available, like you asked." A hover trolley was parked outside, stacked high with shiny boxes.

"Excellent," replied Artemis. "Perfect, in fact…"

The Big Brother Establishment was an impressive operation. At Artemis's instruction, Argon had purchased a deserted cavern on the outskirts of Haven City. He'd also hired some of the best builders under the world, an award-winning interior designer and bought even more cameras than a certain paranoid centaur. The building was all Artemis's own design, consisting of two parts. The first was an observation centre, where the live video feed would be shown and basic accommodation for back stage crew, including Artemis and Argon. A second, bigger section was the house for the contestants.

Perhaps the best word to describe it was 'fluorescent'. Upon entrance you could be mistaken for thinking everything was made from a child's play dough kit. After half an hour you'd probably have a killer migraine. Not Artemis's style at all. But then again, he didn't have to live in it.

"It is vital that the contestants feel disorientated," he'd told Doctor Argon, "and the bright colours will help amplify strong emotions. We will discover nothing if they sit around acting normally all day." As an afterthought he'd added, "It will also make really boring viewing." His partner hadn't been convinced about this.

"Are you sure people are actually going to watch this? People just living in a house?" Always utterly sure of himself, Artemis nodded.

"We will make it more interesting of course. Tasks will be set for the contestants to complete and they will be rewarded or punished depending on how well they do."

But it didn't look as if that would be necessary. The Establishment hadn't even begun yet and already a small crowd of fairies had gathered. They'd been scared at first, of the strange Mud Boy in charge of it, but now they were drawn to the activity like moths to a lamp. After all, Doctor J. Argon wasn't afraid…

Satisfied with what he saw, Artemis turned back to Argon.

"If we have the cameras then there is little else for us to do. Do you have another senior technician?" The psychologist nodded.

"None other than the great Foaly himself." They began to walk away from the mish-mash of activity across the cavern. It was lit with so many spotlights you would hardly notice you were underground. Bits of broken rock crunched underfoot.

"Then I believe all we must do is choose the contestants. Have we received many applications?" Artemis asked. A small bundle of forms materialised from Argon's pocket, along with a smug grin.

"I've picked out some of the more _interesting _applicants…"

**Police Plaza**

Holly and Trouble weren't sure if they should be glad or apprehensive when their notice of acceptance arrived. Commander Root was never plagued by such uncertainties; he just got angry. When the two captains arrived with the 'good' news he was attempting to organise the paperwork for his substitute. The air was thick with dust and every spare centimetre covered with paper in varying stages of decay.

"I thought you wanted us to keep up with our reports sir?" asked Holly in a mock-pleasant voice as she stepped over a tottering pile of scrolls. They must have been at least 600 years old. Root grunted dismissively, waving the sarcasm away.

"Yeah, yeah. What do you want?" Trouble held up the letters.

"These have just arrived. Looks like we're in." Paperwork forgotten, the commander leapt up from behind his desk pausing only to grab a box of his favourite cigars. There was a familiar manic glint in his eye.

"Very good Trouble. When do we need to be there?"

"The day after tomorrow." _Oh no_, thought Holly, _our esteemed Commander has come up with a plan_. Root grinned, displaying fungus-tobacco stained teeth as he saw her expression.

"I hope you've packed your hair-straighteners or whatever else it is you females need Captain Short. We're going to do a little stake-out on this Big Brother Establishment!"

**One Hour Later, The Big Brother Establishment**

"D'Arvit! How many cameras does that Mud Boy need?" hissed Root. The three elves were squatting behind a stalagmite at the entrance to the cavern. They were still some distance away from the building itself, prevented from moving closer by the cameras clinging to every surface like spiders. From their position it was almost impossible to see anything. It didn't help that a certain someone was hogging the only pair of binoculars.

"Maybe you should let someone else have a look sir," muttered Trouble through gritted teeth for the fifth time in as many minutes. Root ignored him, squinting at the gnomes unloading furniture. Still fuming over the hair-straighteners quip, Holly sat as far away from both of them as was physically possible in the circumstances and tried to look as if she didn't know them. How in Frond's name was she meant to live with these goons for several weeks? Even the twenty minute shuttle journey here had seemed like a lifetime… _Maybe you'll get lucky and be voted off in the first week_. What a comforting thought…

"Short! Can you think of any way to take out some of these cameras?" whispered Root, still glued to the binoculars.

"With what? My hair-straighteners?" said Holly sarcastically. "We left our Neutrinos at Police Plaza. Besides, Foaly would be sure to notice if a camera suddenly blacked out." The centaur was already here, doubtless lounging around admiring his latest tin-foil hat until the show started.

Frustrated, Holly kicked a rock at a swear toad that had crept too close. This whole stake-out was pointless! Trouble and Root turned to glare at her. She held up her hands in surrender.

"Alright, alright, I'll be quiet. Don't get your jumpsuit in a twist…"

**Two Days Later**

LEP procedure dictates that all caution should be used when entering a possibly hostile building. In fact, it is better not to enter it all. But these elves had no choice and, as for caution, it is difficult to be stealthy while carrying a suitcase. The entrance to the Big Brother Establishment resembled something from a sci-fi film, all red plastic and shiny surfaces. With an ominous hiss the doors slid open to reveal an equally bright and futuristic foyer. It was empty. Then a voice erupted from nowhere.

"Commander Root, Captain Short! How nice of you to join us. And this must be the infamous Captain Trouble Kelp." Though they would deny it later, all three of them jumped at the sound of Fowl's voice, glancing around anxiously for the Mud Boy. He laughed. "Don't worry; I am communicating with you through the speakers. Now, if you have regained control of yourselves, would you please take a seat? There are some final items that I must explain to you." Root's complexion darkened as he stomped over to a cluster of red fake-leather chairs, swearing under his breath. Holly followed, noting that a couple of the chairs were bigger, too big for a fairy. The ceiling was high too. _What is this about Fowl? _thought Holly, _what's your plan? _

"Firstly," continued Artemis, "you must have no contact with the outside world. Any attempt to do so will result in immediate expulsion. Secondly, you have all relinquished your LEP status while in the Establishment. So don't try to arrest anyone." Holly and Trouble exchanged glances. Could Root survive that long without having a heart attack? Arresting criminals was one of his few ways of venting anger. Prolonged isolation from that might kill him. Or drive him mad. Or both…

"Finally, you must take part in all of the tasks set. Refusal to do so will be punished." Silence followed these words. _I've survived worse_, thought Holly. _I just need a moment to think of it…_ Artemis cleared his throat. "You are the last to enter the Establishment. The entrance is on your left." Another blood-red door, gaping like the maw of a ravenous troll. "You have-" a pause while he checked, "-ten minutes before the cameras come on. The other contestants are waiting to meet you. Good luck!" Then there was static.

The three elves rose sombrely, walking towards the door as if it was their execution. Which it might well be… Holly began humming something similar to a funeral march.

"Do you have to do that?" hissed Trouble.

"Do what? It seemed appropriate."

"Oh stop bickering you two!" snapped Root as the door opened and they stepped through into a spacious, if overly-bright, living area. Six people looked up as they entered. Holly, Trouble and Root stared back at their new housemates.

"YOU!" exclaimed four voices simultaneously. Then all Hell broke loose as former-lieutenant Cudgeon leapt at Root and Root launched himself at a diminutive, distinctly grubby fairy who was now trying to burrow a hold through the reinforced wall. Holly didn't notice any of this. She was rather more focussed on an all-too familiar sprite…

It was so good that Artemis, Argon and Foaly couldn't resist turning on the cameras eight minutes early.

**A/N :** Finally! Everyone's in the Big Brother Establishment! Sorry for the cliff-hanger……… Guess who the other fairies are!

Keep reviewing people!


	4. Welcome to your New Abode

Chapter 4 Insert Name Here

**Disclaimer: **there are only so many ways of saying I don't any of this.

Thank you once again, reviewers! I may actually start replying to them, as I have just worked out how... (what an idiot...)

**Chapter 4 ****Welcome to your New Abode**

On plasma screens all across Haven, the Big Brother titles started to roll. Then, without any warning, it cut to a luminous living area. A fight was trying to break out between two enraged elves, one of whom was also trying to get a strangle hold on a frightened dwarf. Curious now, the viewers settled back to watch…

**BBE - Day 1 ****- 08:00 PM**

"I'm going to kill you convict!" roared Root, face reddening like a traffic light as he lunged forward again. A beleaguered Trouble was clinging desperately on to the back of his non-grip jumpsuit. This was made doubly difficult by the fact that he was trying to keep a frothing-at-the-mouth Cudgeon at arm's length too. It felt as if one arm was about to be ripped off while the other was consumed by a rabid troll. _I really don't need this_, he thought. _I get enough of this on the job_. He gritted his teeth and glared around at his fellow contestants.

"Unless you feel like scraping intestines off the walls I suggest someone gives me a hand here!" A blonde Mud Girl he'd never seen before eyed the fray distastefully and sniffed.

"Huh! Intestines would be an improvement. With this wall colour, you might not even notice." The mammoth figure sat next to her left its chair, looming over the fairies. With an irritated sigh he picked Cudgeon and Root up by the scruff of their necks as though they were no more than puppies.

"Do you want to stop this, little fairies? Because you are starting to annoy me and when I get annoyed I usually hurt someone." The elves grunted an affirmative. Butler set them down. He felt like a teacher with a class of unruly children; it was easy to forget that they were decades older than he was when their heads were about level with his waist. A snigger came from the corner. The giant human turned round, setting narrowed eyes on the unfortunate dwarf. "That goes for you too, hairy. Don't think I've forgotten our last meeting!"

**BBE Observation Centre ****- 08:10 PM**

"This is just priceless!" whinnied Foaly in amusement. He was laid back in his specially modified black swivel chair, a carrot in each hand and tin-foil hat askew. The smile that had appeared when Root entered the Establishment was stuck on his face like a grease stain on the tables at Spud's Spud Emporium. Behind him Artemis cleared his throat.

"On the contrary, Mister Foaly, there is a very substantial price attached to this operation." A familiar smug grin was in place as he turned to his partner in driving-people-mad-for-profit. "I believe some congratulations are in order Doctor, for a successful start to our Establishment?" Argon took the hand that was proffered, shaking it eagerly.

"Pure genius. What a way to test the workings of the fairy and human mind! Fowl, you have my deepest respect." _What a swat_, thought Foaly as he turned back to the screens, leaving Argon to wax lyrical over Artemis Fowl's genius. The inmates – sorry, contestants – had stopped fighting and an uneasy truce had broken out, much to the centaurs disappointment. Cudgeon and Root were sulking, glowering at each other whenever Butler wasn't looking. Mulch Diggums, suitably cowed by Butler's unvoiced threat, had decided to investigate the kitchen.

Slightly apart from the rest, Opal Koboi sat curled up in an orange chair, watching the others as though they were pieces in a chess game that she was determined to win. Foaly frowned. He'd been hearing a lot about Koboi, enough to be sure that she was up to something. Paranoia twitching, he scanned the screens for Holly. There she was, apparently comforting an extremely stressed Trouble. The elf had recovered from the shock of Chix Verbil's appearance remarkably well. _Ah_, thought Foaly. _Maybe that's why_.

**BBE – Day 1 – 08:10 PM**

Living in a house surrounded by near-strangers was not Butler's idea of an ideal situation. It was definitely not a situation he would have let his baby sister Juliet get into, given the choice. But she had insisted and Artemis _had _said they probably weren't in any serious danger; not that it was Juliet's physical health that he was worried about right now. The sprite who had introduced himself as 'Chix Verbil' was staring at her. Butler had seen a similar expression of adoration on the face of the local pizza delivery boy. That was bad enough, but at least he wasn't green! Thankfully Juliet didn't seem to have noticed yet and he resolved to keep quiet about it for now. If she knew she would doubtless want to pick a fight with the sprite; that or... he shuddered. It was probably blasphemy, if not in the fairy world then definitely in the human one.

"Will all contestants please return to the living area," blared a robotic voice from the speakers, followed by a mish-mash of high-pitched whining and static as someone fiddled with the controls. Hands clamped over her ears, Juliet glared up at them.

"No need to deafen us! Who are you anyway?"

"This is Big Brother."

"Oh great. The all-seeing eye also has a mouth." Mulch reappeared in the doorway, miscellaneous food remnants clinging to his beard.

"You got something important to say? Only I've found this really-"

"Shut up, you foul smelling idiot!" shrieked Opal. Everyone turned to stare at the pixie. Her own gaze was fixed on one of the visible cameras. "Is this about our task?" she enquired calmly, poised mask back in place.

"No; we simply wish to welcome you to your new abode. You will receive more information about the task tomorrow. I will only say this; you might want to work on your team skills if you wish to succeed." Root leapt up from his orange chair.

"We have to work as a team? Are you serious?"

"All will be revealed tomorrow. Good night." There was a final click that seemed to signify the end of the conversation. The contestants stared at each other, dismay oozing from every pore. It was mulch who finally broke the silence.

"They can't expect me to work with that psychopath! He's already tried to kill me once!"

"I wouldn't sleep too deeply convict or I might try it again! I thought – we _all_ thought – you'd died in that cave-in and suddenly you turn up as though nothing ever happened! And I don't care what your excuse is, as soon as you leave here you are going straight back to that damned jail cell!" Root's eyeballs were twitching as though they were about to burst from his skull. Holly, desperate to defuse the ticking time bomb of Julius Root, laid a tentative hand on his shoulder.

"Comm- Root- Julius, look, whatever Mulch did can't do anything about it here. We need to look around this place." There was a pause. Then the elf grunted and nodded grudgingly.

The group quickly dispersed, preferring to do anything rather than spend more time in the company of the others, Holly had a sinking feeling that, no matter how big it seemed now, the establishment would soon be as claustrophobic as a dwarf tunnel. And the number of cameras was unnerving. Some of them were in plain view, but she had her suspicions about the mirrors that occupied every wall.

She paused outside a door. There was a small screen on it with the words 'Diary Room' scrolling across it. _Diary Room_? _Another of the Mud Boy's schemes_? Just as she reached for the handle, the sounds of a scuffle erupted from up the corridor.

"I don't care what you say; I will not share a room with a dwarf and a Mud Man!" Holly sighed. Here it was at last, the long awaited dilemma of the bedrooms.

Cudgeon, Mulch, Root and Butler were stood at the entrance to a dorm-like room containing six beds. Mulch snorted.

"And what makes you think I'd want to share with you? Your ego's so big you'd barely fit through the door." Butler was about to voice his objections when Holly stepped in.

"And how old are we this year gentlemen? It's only a bedroom. You don't even have to talk to each other."

"Be quiet, you interfering female!" growled Cudgeon as he spun round, "It's a matter of principle!" The manic glint was back again. _Dear Frond I'm surrounded by idiots_.

"Oh well, if your principles are so important you won't mind sleeping on the sofa will you?" Juliet stuck her head around the door of the other bedroom directly opposite.

"Whatever you do can you do it a bit more quietly? Some of us are starting to get a migraine." The door slammed shut again. Chix appeared at the end of the corridor, dripping wet and smiling absent-mindedly.

"There's a swimming pool," he said, as if this fact somehow explained everything.

"I'm not even going to ask," murmured Butler. Holly suddenly felt several thousand years old.

"Do what you like," she said. "I'm going to sleep. At least you can't annoy the Hell out of me in my dreams."

**BBE Day 1 11:59 PM**

Almost all of the contestants had fallen asleep. After much grumbling Cudgeon decided he would rather put up with a flatulent dwarf and a Mud Man than sleep on a chair. Juliet was snoring gently while Holly feebly tried to arrest her pillow in her dreams. All was quiet. In the kitchen, Opal stepped back to survey her handiwork. It had taken her hours to get it just right. She went to shut the door of the refrigerator, pausing as she took a last look at its contents.

"Sweet dreams my dears," she whispered as she kissed the foremost box of luxury chocolate truffles goodnight.

**Author's Note: **Sorry this took so long! I had loads of school work to do and then I was... distracted by various things (cough Saiyuki cough). I also found this chapter really hard to write, even though not much happens in it... the next one should be a little more interesting, promise!

Any and all suggestions are welcome; just tell me in a review! Reviews make me happy...


	5. Don't Mess With My Coco Pops

Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own Artemis Fowl

**Disclaimer: **Nope, still don't own Artemis Fowl.

Thanks to all reviewers!

**Chapter 5 ****Don't Mess With My Coco Pops **

**BBE – Day 2 – 8:45 AM**

Juliet groaned and stretched, wincing at the ball of hunger stirring in her stomach. Time for breakfast. The room was filled with a kind of half-light, coming from – well, somewhere. It wasn't as if there were any windows in this place. Throwing the bed cover carelessly to the floor, she stumbled out into the corridor. All was quiet, except the sound of running water coming from the bathroom. That would be Dom – ever the early riser.

With a yawn Juliet entered a kitchen that could have catered for a five-star restaurant and full of more high-tech gadgets than NASA. She sniffed. _They better have Coco Pops in this place_, she thought as she began slamming open cupboards, showing no respect whatsoever for the other people who were still sleeping. In the last one she found what she was looking for. Bright yellow cereal box clutched in one hand, she turned to the cooler.

A scene of catering carnage lay before her. Juliet hadn't noticed it at first in her furious hunt for the Coco Pops but now it was painfully obvious. Food of both human and fairy origin lay where they had fallen like casualties of a terrible war. Some of the bottles had broken, now oozing their contents on to the shiny floor. Desperately scanning the chaos, Juliet felt her mouth drop open. There on the floor was a smashed bottle surrounded by an innocent white puddle.

"NOOOOOOOO!"

**BBE – Day 2 – 9:00 AM**

Some people are very particular about their breakfast and are extremely offended when someone ruins it for them. A reasonable person would have thought about this before embarking on anything that would cause such disruption. Opal Koboi was not reasonable (she was also not entirely sane) and hadn't given it a moment's thought before emptying the entire contents of the cooler on to the floor. Including a highly breakable glass bottle of –

"Milk! I mean, how could you? How will we survive? What if they don't give us another one? _What about my Coco Pops?_"

Butler sighed. There were two things Juliet loved as much as her brother – wrestling and Coco Pops. The rest of the group were stood around the kitchen, still wearing slightly bemused expressions.

Juliet's scream had rudely awoken almost all of the sleeping housemates. Thinking they were under some kind of attack, they had all dashed through to the kitchen to investigate/ Root had even brought out his hand gun. (At least, he thought he had; it was actually someone's sock. He'd quickly dropped it, hoping no one would notice). There had been a moment's pause as they took in Juliet's contorted face and the mess on the floor. Then Butler had emerged, fully dressed. He surveyed the scene over the heads of the fairies.

"What," he said "has happened here?" _An excellent question_, thought Trouble.

Juliet glared at the group.

"Well? Own up, whoever did this! Don't make me show you my full Nelson!" Everyone looked around at ... everybody else. _It wasn't me_, their facial expressions said. Then someone in the doorway yawned loudly.

"Must you make so much noise? You've interrupted my beauty sleep." Opal Koboi had at last emerged, hair artistically tousled and clad in a vermillion silk dressing gown (it clashed terribly with the orange kitchen decor, but nobody really noticed). She looked around at the gathering, then at the open cooler door.

"Don't leave it open! My truffles will melt!" She pushed pass the others to reach the cooler as Juliet hissed like a cat that had had its tail stomped on.

"So it was _you_!" The pixie sighed in exasperation.

"It was me what? What exactly have I done?" She seemed oblivious to the havoc she had wreaked and the very hostile glares she was receiving.

"You've ruined the only jar of pickled pit slugs, that's what!" said Mulch, waving the now lukewarm container at her.

"And the nettle smoothies!" cried Holly (another person attached to her breakfast!. Opal looked confused.

"But I needed somewhere to put my truffles or they would have melted! How dreadful!"

Even the usually good-natured Chix was beginning to look just a little bit irate. Unfortunately Juliet had driven straight past the irate sign and was heading full speed for homicidal. A red mist rose before her eyes and Butler blood pounded in her ears. She leapt for the pixie with an enraged screech.

**BBE – Day 2 – 10:00 AM**

"Yesterday, did Big Brother say we'd need team work for this first task?"

"Unfortunately, yes."

"Damn. I think then that we've already failed." As much as she hated to admit it, Holly had to see that Mulch had a point. This morning had been a total disaster. It had taken Butler, Root and Trouble to separate Juliet and Opal, who had been going for each other like a couple of angry she-trolls. Now they were each tied to a chair at opposite ends of the table, glowering at each other. The others had agreed to keep an eye on them until they calmed down, but no one seemed to want to get too close – it was as if they were worried that the madness was contagious.

_And any minute now_, thought Holly, _Big Brother is going to come out and give us some insane task to do. Wonderful_. Chix was the only one who didn't look to be in the depths of depression. In fact he was staring avidly at the Mud Girl, an expression of dreamy delight plastered to his face ... _Oh Frond. Now Chix has succumbed to the madness_.

"Good morning house mates!" Everyone look around, the cursed themselves for looking for someone who wasn't there.

"What is it now?" growled Root. He was not a morning fairy; he thought that whoever invented mornings should be arrested. Possibly for 'behaviour likely to cause a breach of the peace'.

"There is some more information I must impart."

"Just get on with it!" snapped Cudgeon.

"Very well. I will only speak to you when necessary, but if you wish to contact _me _you may use the Diary Room. Anything you say is, of course, in the strictest confidence."

_Yeah_, thought Trouble, _you and every fairy under the world_.

"And now I will give you the first task. You must, as a group, produce an aerobic dance routine lasting at least one and a half minutes, to be performed on Day 7. Everyone must take part. Appropriate music and clothing has been provided in the Diary Room. Good luck!" A cheery jingle played for a couple of seconds and then Big Brother was gone. Awkward silence rushed in to fill the gap.

"He didn't just say aerobics did he?" asked Mulch. He looked as if he were about to be sick. "Not as in 'star jumps and sweatbands' aerobics?"

"I don't think you get any other types of aerobics," replied Trouble. His nut brown skin had acquired a pale, washed out look. Root's rage-o-meter was cranking to a dangerously high level. Laughing nervously to alleviate some of the tension, Holly glanced around at the mismatched group. Two of them had already required restraining and the others were about to follow them over the edge.

"It can't be that hard, can it? I mean, star jumps aren't that difficult, right?"

Famous last words.

**A/N: **Sorry, sorry, sorry! This took much longer than usual... And we still haven't got that far! I wasn't going to start anymore fics until I finished this one but ... I lied. I'm not going to write about every day in the Establishment... that would take waaaaayy too long.

I would have updated sooner, but I was distracted. I was reading Artemis Fowl and the Time Paradox. It contains several squee moments and that is all I will say, because it doesn't come out until August ... XD

Don't forget to review and tell me what you think of this chapter! I'll cry if you don't...


	6. Star Jump REPRISE

**Disclaimer: **Nope, still don't own Artemis Fowl.

**A/N: **Yo! Did y'all miss me? *ducks missiles* Yeah, sorry about the long wait... Her Majesty the Jaffa Cake Queen has been in exile to the Exam Islands. I've just been able to sneak back, but who knows for how long? I will continue to update... it might just be a bit erratic. But anyway... where were we?

**Chapter 6 Star Jump REPRISE**

**BBE – Day 3 – 3:40 PM  
**"No, no, no! It's eight star jumps _then _the side steps. We've been through this enough times!" It was practice time in the Big Brother Establishment. Supposedly. Anyone else would have described it in much more unflattering terms, possibly including the word 'lunacy'.

The living room furniture had been pushed to the sides of the room leaving a large clear area in the centre. In the middle of this, arranged like soldiers from the Dance Division, were the housemates. They were each dressed in a tank top and tracksuit pants, each in s different colour (the only similarity being they were all practically fluorescent). It might have been cute. But the expressions on everyone's faces were definitely not cute. Not cute at all.

Juliet sighed, scratching the neon yellow sweatbands on her wrists. She was the appointed leader (or the only one willing to publicly confess to having any knowledge of aerobics). Now she had to try and come up with a routine that wouldn't incur the wrath of Big Brother. This was easier said than done; grudges prowled the room like cats, hissing when they got too close. No one wanted to let anything go – Juliet would only admit to herself that she gave Opal the evil eye whenever the pixie wasn't looking. It's hard to get any routine right when you're too busy waiting for your enemy to make mistakes to sneer at.

"OK people, practice time's nearly up. Let's give it one more try and remember – the side steps come _after _the star jumps." Butler nodded grimly, adjusting his blue headband. Trouble, Holly and Root shuffled into place, each privately swearing to kill anyone who ever mentioned this. Opal sneered, while Cudgeon mumbled angrily under his breath. Mulch wasn't paying attention; he was wishing the tracksuit had a bum flap. Only Chix looked happy. He grinned dreamily at Juliet and nodded. She reset the sound system.

"Alright then. 1, 2, 3…"

**BBE O****BSERVATION CENTRE – 3:45 PM**

"Are the monitors ready?" Artemis' clipped tones jerked Foaly back to wakefulness like an ice cube down the back of the neck. He instantly began poring over the control panel, pressing buttons furiously.

"Of course, of course; just need to finalise the command…"

The Mud Boy and his lackey Argon had made the decision to halt the broadcasts during the rehearsals. Everything was still filmed, but only a privileged few had seen them. Not that this bothered the centaur; he was copying every bit of footage on to disk so he could watch his friends' humiliation at leisure.

Fifteen minutes later the red light on the wall flickered to green, signalling the return of the cameras. Dozens of screens flared into life and Foaly did a quick check on each contestant. A red-faced (well, more red-faced than usual) and slightly panting Root couldn't fail to produce a snigger.

"Really Foaly! This is a serious experiment, not some childish prank," chided Argon. He seemed to find every noise a 'distraction'. The Irish boy didn't normally comment. It would take more than a bit of carrot-munching and laughter to distract that one.

The centaur frowned. If he thought working with the boy genius would shatter some of the illusions the People had about him, he was wrong. He was as cool and calculating as ever. Foaly didn't even think he slept. Always the last to leave (if he did) and always the first there again in the morning. And then there was all the time he spent closeted with Argon… _This room is starting to smell strongly of plotting_ Foaly thought.

**BBE – Day 6 – 6:****30 AM**

Peace. Quiet. Dreamy oblivion. These were the thoughts of Trouble Kelp as he slept, sprawled across a huge bed. For the moment, the world is a perfect place. Well, only until he wakes up…

"GOOD MORNING, CONTESTANTS! IT'S TIME TO RISE AND SHINE AND GIVE THE WORLD A GREAT SMILE! BIG BROTHER HAS ALLOWED AN EXTRA PRACTICE TODAY BEFORE YOUR BIG PERFORMANCE TOMORROW, STARTING IN HALF-AN-HOUR! GOOD LUCK!"

A short, chirpy jingle followed this announcement. Then silence. The kind of silence you get after bursting a balloon next to a sleeping bear's ear; it's all the quieter because you _know _the roar that follows is going to be deafening.

"Waargh-friggin-bleh-grrh-SNAP!" (Roughly translated, this means "which silly person has decided to wake me up at this unreasonable hour?")

**BBE – Day 6 – 7:00 AM**

Whatever else they were, they were clearly not morning People. Butler, as a bodyguard, was used to rolling out of bed at all hours. There was no need to be unpleasant about it. And yet these fairies, some high-ranking police officers, were still groaning and lurching around like zombies. Very unprofessional. He didn't include Juliet; she was, after all, a teenager.

Eventually they were all in position. A somewhat ragged line of brightly dressed fairies (and Butler) stood facing Juliet, with facial expressions varying from a resigned 'let's get this over with' to almost homicidal, stopping off at the kind of face you get when you've been trapped in an elevator and REALLY need the toilet.

Confronted with this, she wondered if a pep talk might improve the situation. It could hardly make it worse.

"Alright guys, I know we've been struggling with thus." A snigger from Mulch until a glare shut him up. "But we have got to get this right. We've no idea how Big Borther – or the public – will react if this goes pear-shaped. So if you don't do it for the team," Juliet glanced meaningfully and Opal and Cudgeon, "then at least do it for yourself. You all want the gold, right?" A determined silence followed. Their teamwork skills may have been lacking, but their competitive streak made up for it.

With a final glare at the group, she turned on the music. The display screen flickered into neon-green life and a catchy beat started. It was a Mud Man song – the only excuse for the lack of lyrics and being generally infuriating. Soon the whole room seemed to be vibrating with noise.

And so the final practice began. It started off well; they'd almost got the hang of counting the beats (although Chix had to be told that, no, he couldn't use his fingers) and the group was nearly in time. This tentative state was carefully maintained until…

"I said star JUMP, not star FISH! What are you doing on the floor?" Would they ever be ready in time? If a very nice god decided to give them a miracle…

**BBE – Day 6 – 11:49 PM – DIARY ROOM**

It was dark and hushed in the Bid Brother Establishment. Only the sound of people shifting, talking and quietly giggling in their sleep could be heard. Except... a soft whirring as a door slid open nearby. Quiet footsteps padded along the carpeted floor, making no more noise than a cat. They came to a halt outside the Diary Room, their owner pausing momentarily before reaching out to the door. The face was obscured by the shadows.

Cautiously, the contestant (whoever they were) entered. The Diary Room was no bigger than a large closet. Each wall was a mirror and small spot-lights on the floor gave the room an eerie feel. A sliver chair, the offspring of an arm-chair and a space shuttle, sat in the centre.

After almost a minute spent peering curiously around the tiny room, the figure sat down. Then a voice crackled through the hidden speakers.

"Opal Koboi has entered the Diary Room. Is there anything you want to talk about?"

The pixie straightened on her seat, staring directly into the mirror before her. Shadows from the lighting gave her face a ghoulish appearance.

"Yes Big Brother. I'd like to discuss my great-uncle Mogi and the price spuds at Spud's Spud Emporium."

**BBE – Day 7 – 7:30 PM**

"HELLLLLOOO HAAAAVEN! WELCOME TO THE BIG BROTHER ESTABLISHMENT! ARE YOU EXCITED?!?!" No reality TV show is complete without a hyperactive, slightly dim and preferably attractive presenter. After all, someone has to let the audience know when to be excited. .. and since Corporal Lily Frond of the LEP was already there on surveillance, Artemis and Argon had decided no one could fill this role better. Fame? Popularity? How could she resist?

With a toss of platinum blonde hair and a smile so white it almost glowed in the dark, Lily turned to face the crowd gathered in front of the Establishment. The People roared and squealed an affirmative. Yes, they were excited. She took a deep breath.

"SQUEEEEEEEE! OMIFROND, THIS IS SOOO AMAZING1 WE ARE ABOUT TO WATCH THE PERFORMANCE THE INMATES HAVE BEEN PREPARING ALL WEEK! CAN YOU WAIT ANY LONGER?! NEITHER CAN I!"

Suddenly a giant screen flared into technicolour life, music blaring from what seemed like hundreds of speakers. An enthralled hush settled over the audience...

**BBE OBSERVATION CENTRE**

Foaly gingerly removed his headphones, carefully opening an eye to survey the damage. Three of the volume monitors were spiking and blipping in distress. The fourth was silent, smoke slowly streaming from a crack in the screen.

"Is that supposed to happen?" Argon asked nervously.

"Not normally, no. But when you introduce an intellectually-challenged elf with the vocal range of a moon-drunk banshee its hard to tell what's supposed to happen."

"Never mind that," snapped Artemis. "They're coming on."

**BBE - Day 7 – 7:40 PM **

The line of fluorescent-clad contestants stood anxiously in the centre of the living room, which had been cleared of furniture for the last time. For once, no one was making snide remarks. It was too serious for that. Knowing that you are about to perform in front of an audience of thousands can do that to a person.

"Are you guys ready?" Juliet asked with the air of a general addressing troops before a battle. Nods all round. Opal and Cudgeon stood with arms crossed and eyes narrowed. Butler and the LEP officers were the epitome of 'strong and silent'. Mulch grunted.

"A dwarf'sgotta do what a dwarf can't avoid doing."

"Then let's do this."

In one movement, the housemates pulled on their bright, fluffy headbands.

A small jingle sounded, signalling the arrival of Big Brother.

"You have all had seven days to prepare your aerobics routine. After we have seen it, the public will be allowed to vote for which of you they want to leave to Big Brother Establishment. The music will start in 15 seconds. Good luck." Then came quiet. Fifteen painful seconds of it.

A catchy synth rhythm began to pump out of the speakers. At (approximately) the same time, everyone began marching on the spot – or a shuffle, which was equally accurate. Eight beats... sixteen...

"All right everyone let's go! Star jumps!"

The song continued. Amid many flailing arms, legs and in one case beard, there was a routine. Probably. Julius Root looked as if he was acting on blind faith. His eyes were screwed shut and he looked to be grimacing in pain.

It progressed through side steps, hamstring curls, grapevines, hop turns, box steps and the little-known X step. There was such a difference in movement that each person could have been performing on their own. Opal showed a natural grace that was unencumbered by shyness, while Trouble tried to keep all movement to a minimal. There was enough psychology there to write a whole paper.

The final seconds of the song were approaching. Juliet, yellow headband almost slipping, called out some encouragement.

"We're almost done! One more move to go! 3,2,1... STAR JUMP REPRISE!"

**OUTSIDE THE BBE**

"WASN'T THAT AMAZING?" Lily Frond squealed. The crowd outside seemed to agree, judging from the bellowed response. "THOSE GUYS DID SUCH A GREAT JOB! WOOOOOOOOOOT!" An unknown elf dashed out of the Observation Centre and tapped her on the shoulder. There had been enough enthusiastic shrieking. Now she had to say something useful.

"OK, I know we don't want to do it, but someone's gotta leave. Vote for who YOU think should leave the BBE! Details for how to do this are at the bottom of the screen. In three hours we will announce the first person to be evicted! GET VOOOOOOOOOOOOOTING!" 

**A/N: **Now this is where you (yes, YOU, the reader) come in. In order to make this a little more interesting, the readers of this fic will vote for who they want to leave the BBE. You can base it on this or just whoever is your least favourite character from the book. Just let me know in a review – the name of the person you want to leave and why (if you feel like it). While you're there, tell me what you thought about this chapter. You might as well. XD

The character to have more than a certain number of votes first will be the first evicted.


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